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Friday, July 28, 2017

A bit of a vent.

I just want some people to know some things. These past couple of days, I was hit with something that I kind of knew was happening, but just needed the proof. To which I did find. 
And I found A LOT.
So this leads me to when it comes to family and issues, of course there are the sides that family members take. For example, if your spouse did something and if you were the person who was never ‘good enough’ by their parent’s standards, then pretty much their parents will take their child's side and place the blame on "that crazy one". They will bring out a whole laundry list of complaints that point to you not being good enough and then try to paint their child as the victim. I honestly like to believe that I would Gibbs slap my kid them as hard as I could if they ever did something like that to someone else..

I get that they need to protect their family, but there comes a time when if they're doing something that WRONG that you don't at least step up and say something. Instead of talking terribly about the other person that they supposedly love like their own child through text messages. Don't try to explain this “normalcy” in saying things like, “That’s just the way they are”, or “She doesn’t mean anything by that”. All that indicates to me is that they're trying to say that the problem is me. It’s a situation that needs to be changed. It includes firmly putting a parent or family member in place when they say something catty or does something bitchy to someone that they supposedly love.

Don't get me wrong some family members really are great people and will want to support things and help both recover in the bad times. But, just as often, you will find many who will use this as an opportunity to break up something they didn't like in the first place. They will make their family member the victim of you, the betrayed spouse, which is ludicrous. The most vicious family members seem to enable that person and validate everything as "good". The message to that person should be clear: this is not okay. That They are 100% responsible for this trouble. That they now have to pick up the pieces and learn from their mistakes so this doesn’t happen again. The message to the other person should be: (child’s) actions are not okay. What support do you need from us?

If it's anything but that, then don't act surprised when you're cut out from their lives in the future.

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Some for the good, some for the bad, and some for the better


Seriously, don’t know why I’ve been out of this blogging thing for so long…2015???!!!! What?!!! Obviously, some time has passed by. Things have for sure changed. Some for the good, some for the bad, and (I'm hoping) some for the better.  

First off, the children are growing up and learning new things every day. Our eldest—is going to be starting 1st grade in just a week's time (!!!!!!). 



Time really needs to pump it’s brakes. 

On the other hand... My husband(well..for now) and I have decided to divorce. It is even beyond difficult and heartbreaking to for me to write on here. I can't even say it out loud yet. To rewind a bit--to last July in fact, I separated from the military and we moved to my In-Law's home to stay until we could get back to a stable financial place. Things were stressful no doubt. Moving back into your parent's home really is never ideal, but for me to move into my in-law's home was just a lot for me personally. *Disclaimer* This is just how I have felt for the past 8 years that I've known them. They've never "hated" me per say, but I just never--still don't really--feel CLOSE to them. I feel out of place around them. I promise you, they're not cold people. I just believe they just don't "get" me maybe? I don't know. That's a WHOLE other subject that needs it's own post when the time comes, but for now that's that.**


 We just hit our 8 yr mark together this past March. To be honest. I don't want it to happen. No one REALLY wants for that to happen do they? I believe that we have every stressor going on in our lives right now, and while there are some other pieces to it--I just can't wrap my head around why things are going this way. There are times where we can laugh, be silly, and be ourselves--even if it’s for the briefest moment time. Life showed us it isn’t always fair. It showed us happiness isn’t promised. I'm a straight shooter. I own up to my mistakes. We have dealt with a lot as a couple. We have had loss and pain, but we have had some beautiful and fun moments too.


Could I have been a better wife?

Yes.

Could he have have been a better husband?

Yes.

As I've said. I've done my share of mistakes. And a lot of them I’m getting help for at the moment. Pretty much since April when he dropped the "D-Bomb" on me. As some of you may know. I do own my own business. Spending was my problem. I wasn't wise with my money and bought things that I wanted, rather than what I needed. Anger was another issue of mine. I know that. I know there were times that I wasn't the MOST attentive as I could have been. And Even though I have stopped and have earned a bit more money, it just seems like he's still not taking it. I have tried to pay more attention to him. Give him more affection, been kind, not argue, to walk away when I feel things get out of hand. Yet, it still hasn't cracked him. He tells me that he is "done". I know it. But I still want to fight for it. To me, marriage is for life. Obviously there was something there that made us connect at the beginning. Obviously people grow and life throws curve balls. But marriage is work. I wish that the changes that I've been working on meant something. It won’t happen overnight, but it’s gotten better. That has to count for something right????

People keep telling me that I should just move on, that I gave it a “good shot”. But I don’t FEEL that way. I still wish to desperately fight for us. And I know he doesn’t see the point now, but I will still fight and pray for him to come back to me if it’s meant to be. And I pray for peace and strength that if it’s not.  Even if he can’t see that right now, or months from now. I’m trying so hard to show him how special and happy that he makes me feel. I’m honestly trying to learn how to convey that to him the best way possible. Never before have I’ve wanted to fight for something that is within reach, but yet so distant. I still look at him with a sense of wonder. Like how far we’ve come. Why me? Why us? Will things really be ok? Will it be true that I’ll “be ok”?? I don’t want to be just “ok”. Maybe that was an issue..maybe I didn't fight soon enough... There are bad times in all marriages; I just never thought they would happen to us. We honestly made it bad ourselves, or rather, we forgot to make it GOOD. We fought, we sulked, we finger pointed--we fought a lot throughout these years, but not in the ways that MATTERED. We didn’t fight for the things that we NEEDED to fight for. I wonder were things ever really picture perfect??? We just allowed ourselves to believe so and then got hurt and angry when it wasn’t.


I do want to work on it. I want to fight for it. I really don’t want it any other way. But his mind has been made up. He started the process last week. Today he went off again to the lawyers to work on the paperwork. I don't even care about it. Maybe I should. Put more thought at what is going on and how I can help myself in anyway, but right now....I just can't.




I've been looking at jobs since April with no luck. Which is another discouraging blow...after blow...after blow. I think, if they don't want me, if my husband doesn't want me..then who does? No, I'm not going to go do something dumb. I just need time to get through this. To find the "good" side of things. I know they will come, but right now of course it's not there. And I'm struggling bad. I often wonder how I keep going through all of this without crying all the time. I do cry. A lot. But I try to wait until night when everyone is asleep or try to find another room or corner to quietly go about. Sunglasses have become my best friend.


I have found a small apartment 20 minutes away from the house. So we'll see when that comes about. *fingers crossed*. I feel so out of place here in the house. Doesn't make things peaceful mentally I've also have had quite a number of phone interviews and in-person interviews happening. *fingers, and toes crossed* Got to stay positive on something right?





I just want to make some things clear before I end this post. My husband is a good man. He is smart and capable. He is loving and funny. Even after everything, he is still my everything right now.


Until next time....




Sunday, May 31, 2015

Been away for awhile!

I know I totally haven't been on here for some time. Obviously since Christmas. As you can probably imagine I've been pretty busy between work, family, and my health. So I'll tell you what's been going on since then. As you may(or may not) know, my husband was medically retired from the Air Force. He has been working since then at a few jobs here and there. He has been working as a security guard for about 7 months now at a hospital down town. He has come to me enough times to obviously see that he's not really liking the fact that he has to work in that job. Not that he doesn't enjoy it, just that he was one of those people that truly enjoyed being in the military. That is pretty much all that he's known as his father was once in the Air Force, so when he was in his early 20's he decided to join up.

So since then, my husband and I have been thinking of putting together a new business venture together. We both are really into the planner/preparedness thing. Not the whole Zombie Apocalypse, or The-world-is-going-to-end-tomorrow type of thing. More of natural disasters like floods, fires, tornadoes, etc. So think food storage, "bug out bags", medical kits. A lot of people out there believe that they'll probably never really have to worry about that due to the area that they live in. And that is fine to believe that. You know you better than what others can see so it's not my place to tell you otherwise. I'll give you a story on why we believe that we need this more than ever---Earlier this month we went through a almost 3 day power outage in our community due to some construction that went awry near us. While we were fine--other than the annoyance of trying to keep 3 children busy, we were pretty well off with what we had tucked away. Like our MRE's, dry foods, candles, flashlights, and whatnot we were able to be somewhat comfortable during that time. What we found out through community facebook pages though paint a different picture from what other people were dealing with. People were complaining of the food loss, the heat(being that we are in AZ) and the health of their children that needed special attention.

We did lose a few food items, but we also didn't touch our fridge once during the whole time, it also helped that we didn't have a lot of stuff that would have gone bad in the first place. A few of those families also didn't have the savings that others may have had to help with the cost of the lost food, or maybe the hotel room that they needed to get. So while in reality, it really wasn't like a life or death situation--as hey, it could have been a lot worse. The weather could have already been in the 100's rather than the nice 75 degrees with a breeze that we were blessed to have during those days. Either way, that really got us thinking that our business might be of good to have for those moments where we are suddenly without the comforts and security of our everyday lives. To the drawing board we went to and we are really hitting it hard to get it done. We have spoken to a few good friends who honestly believe that it is a good idea and are not just saying that to be a good friend.

We have not begun to turn our backyard into a garden of fruits and vegetables for canning later. We have also begun to look into aquaponics for our backyard space as well and have begun buying the equipment needed for that. We know it will take some time and hard work, but we both are into this as we truly believe in this dream. We have set up an account with GoFundMe to get family and friends to donate what they can to the "Cause", and I've also been hitting my business up on the side that I do on ebay to help get some money. There will be another blog coming up of our business adventure and what we are doing in the steps to obtain it and to better hone our skills and information to help people who may come to us.

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Believe in the magic of the season!

This is seriously my favorite time of year. I LOVE Christmas time. The music, the lights, the decorations, the food, the family, and of course, the presents! This year is even more special because of our new addition Valerie, who is now a whole 3 months old. Because our family is now complete I had all the kid's stockings ordered and embroidered with their names on them. They are hanging on the wall with little goodies inside for Christmas morning. The presents are also wrapped and under the tree awaiting little hands to unwrap them.

This year I've really been excited with the holiday season. I usually start shopping in early November. Mainly because I really don't like to battle stores during the holiday season, and just another way to be able to buy gifts and not be hurting for money when the holidays do arrive. The thing that my husband and I usually do, is that we don't buy our kids many toys. Because we know that all their grandparents will be buying them a lot of them. We usually buy clothes or things for their rooms. Such as this year, I bought my 3 yr old a pretty new floral bed set. Well, this year, I went a little bit different. I bought them some toys. I was really excited to be able to get my son a new remote control car, and my daughter both the big 20' Elsa and Anna plush dolls for $15 which was a HUGE steal! She's a little obsessed with Frozen(what toddler isn't these days) so I can't wait to see how excited she'll be. We got my son little things like cars, a little military uniform, and a play cellphone. I'm happy that this year my oldest two children have gotten to the age where they know more about Santa and ask about him all the time. Unfortunately, because of my husband's job and the hours that he works, we just never got around to see Santa at the mall. Luckily they didn't go without as their baby sitter hired a Santa this past week to come visit the house where she cares for them.


 
My daughter went complete fangirl excited over him. They all got to sit on his lap and tell them what they wanted. All of them were just excited about the whole thing, which I'm so thankful to their sitter for putting together such a great experience for them and for all the other children at the daycare. This weekend we'll visit the in-laws and open gifts with them. My parents have already sent their gifts for the kids in the mail and we have them wrapped and under the tree. Tomorrow we have a nice little breakfast planned which I bought my two oldest each a new Christmas plate and cup, which I'm sure they'll be excited for as well. Tonight is the first year we'll put the cookies and milk out for Santa. I know this sounds weird, but this the first year in awhile that I've been really excited for Christmas because of our new baby, new house, and that we're spending it together as a family.

Saturday, December 13, 2014

Glam + Fab + Happy.

It's that time of the month again! And by that I mean IPSY! I look forward to the first two weeks of the month as that means a new glam bag will be making it's way through the mail to me!

If you remember my previous post in November, you will know that I have a monthly subscription to Ipsy. Which is a $10 a month thing where you sign up to get make-up and beauty products. They can be full sized or sample sized, and you take a quiz on their website for those items that are specifically chosen for you based on those answers.

This month's theme was "Thinking of You". It came in a plain little black bag with a pink heart zipper tab. The items that I got in this bag were:


  • Coolway boost hair repair
  • Shadow and crease brush from Crown Brush
  • NYX butter lip balm
  • Highlighter crème "pixie dust" by Petra
  • 4-in-1 mascara by Tarte
I haven't had a chance yet to use these items as I just got the bag in the mail this afternoon, but so far I'm liking what I'm seeing. I know for sure I'll use the lip balm as I'm obsessed with lip balms in general. I'm also excited for the hair repair crème as my hair could really benefit from it with the winter dryness. I always get excited about these bags as I see it more as like a little treat for myself once a month. If you haven't I suggest checking Ipsy out.

Friday, December 5, 2014

BRF

As my title says- BRF-a.k.a- Bitchy Resting Face. I am a sufferer of this curse that causes you to look stern, disinterested, hostile, judgmental, and just an all around bitch. Pretty much the opposite of what I'm trying to convey to the outside world. No, really. Inside I'm happy with my life, and usually my day. Inside I'm smiling and laughing. Outside? Eh, that's another story according to co-works, family, friends, and sometimes complete strangers who see me. I've heard from plenty a person who have said something along the lines of "When I first met you, I thought you were mean looking". Or that they were afraid to even talk to me. I couldn't tell you to the number of times that people who see me in the hallways at work, or on the street who say "Cheer up", "You should be happy, it's not that bad.", "Your day can't be that bad.", "What's wrong?", "Why are you upset?", "Smile!". The list could go on, but I digress.


I know I've can try to smile all day long, I can try to open my eyes wider(as I've been told that can help you not look so stern), and I can laugh more. Whatever, it just doesn't happen. If I'm not on top of my face and how I think it looks to people, it can turn the bitch on pretty darn fast. Obviously, my face can get away from me though, and the questions about my current mood start up again. A couple of days ago at work a co-worker came up to me to ask me some questions. This person is fairly new to the building, and I don't work with them directly, so our meetings are far and in between. Apparently as this person was speaking to me, they noticed the face quickly and was effected by the look so much that they in turn went and spoke to another person about it. That person came to me later and spoke to me about it and that I should use better "customer service" with this person.

As you can imagine my shock and confusion as I really believed that I was giving this person my full attention, but apparently they thought differently. This just irked me for the rest of the day. With my job, I work with people all day. Sick kids, and their parents. So my customer service always has to be on point, as who really likes going to the doctor in the first place? With my "customers" a.k.a- patients, I'm always mindful with how I speak to them. I make sure that I have a smile on my face, and will joke with them when the time is appropriate. I've yet to get bad feedback from these patients about my attitude. I've been praised quite a bit to be honest with my attitude with them. So even though I know I have BRF, it's still a bit of shock when I do hear about it. I know all I can is just remember to keep my face looking as though I want to be there and that I am showing how I'm feeling-which isn't being a bitch. =)

Saturday, November 29, 2014

Stresssss!

I've been enjoying this couple of days off of work for the Thanksgiving holiday, but now it's almost time to go back. I've only worked 4 days since returning back to work, but I'm already feeling it. Stress that it.Yep, that's what I'm feeling. I thought two kids was rough getting ready in the morning. Nope. It just add one more and see how that goes. It's nice because the older two can help you out, but of course a little 2 month old is a bit limited physically hahahaha. Now I'm waking up around 5 in the morning to nurse her, change her, and get ready myself for work. I'm already getting her bag and my bag ready the night before, so that saves me a little bit more time. Then around 6:30 I'm getting the other two kids up. By this time my husband is getting back from his night of work and making their breakfast. I'm doing my hair up in my usual bun by 6:45 while still trying to get the other two eating and putting their shoes on. By 6:55 I need to be heading out the door. Since we live close to my work, it's only a few minute commute everyday which is awesome for the mornings.

I get to work a little after 7 and start getting the things done for the day. Which is usually checking my email, or checking in the first patient if they are there. So other than working of course, I now have more duties added to my work load. Since I have gone through ALS(Airman Leadership school) I can now supervise other Airman. As one of the senior techs there, I'm also in charge of  training these new Airman that come though. So that's what I got the first day getting back. I got a new troop to supervise. He has already been through the usual training when I was on maternity leave so that's just one less thing that I need to work on with him. There has also been a lot of new changes(of course) to the way things are ran, so now I'm trying to play a game of catch up. Found out that they are also putting me to work with a new doctor so I need to learn all the things that she does and wants me to do, as all doctors have their own way of doing things.

That's just work related things. Next is more personal. It's this baby weight that I'm now carrying. My uniforms are feeling snug and I need to fix it. I've been eating healthier with more salads, chicken, and tuna. Not to mention a TON of water, but this weight doesn't seem to be moving. I've been working out as much as I can, but due to my husband working nights, it's often hard as he has already left the house for work by the time I get home with the kids in the evenings. So I'm down to 3-4 times a week that I can at least go for a quick run around the neighborhood. I do need to add more to those workouts though so I can see more results. Just more juggling for me for a little while I guess! =)